Being 50

Today, I turn 50. When you think about it, 50 is a big number. Its half a century, for goodness sake! My, that makes me a half centurion!

I had been clinging on to being a forty-niner, the past one year. I desperately wanted to savour every last minute of being "forty something". Fifty sounded so O-L-D. Especially when I still feel young-ish inside. If I didn't look in the mirror, I still felt the same way I did when we were in college those good old years. I am sure we all feel that way too, espescially when we are together. Sure, the years have taken a toll on our waistlines and our bones are getting a wee bit rickety. Our bodies are battle worn in the fight against gravity, while the reflection in the mirror shows only the slightest hint of the girl we once used to be. We sigh at the expression lines that had built up over the years. Character lines, expression lines, wrinkles ... no matter what you call them, they are a clear statement that says you can't stay young foerever. Unless, of course, you wanted to subject yourself to surgeries, etc.

On the upside, it is so good to be able to reflect on 50 good years of life and living. The accumulated wealth of experience has made me what I am today. Sure, there are so many things I wish I could have done, and yet even more things I wished I could have done differently or done better. While there is nothing I can do about some bygones, there is still an opportunity to correct some mistakes, and make a change for the better.

And again, there were times when things happened to me, and I wondered, "why me?". The good thing about being older is that I can now rationalise, "why not me?" What made me think I was special and that these undesirable events and experiences shouldn't have happened to me? At this juncture, I have been able to realise that no one is too special to avoid the experiences Life has to offer. These experiences made me a better person. It made me a more understanding individual. It made me thankful for Allah's graces. It made me humble, and it made me accept that I am an ordinary human. And more ... it made me resilient.

Yes, I am a stronger person because of all the experiences and challenges that Life had offered. Every challenge that was placed before me, I learned to either resolve it, or if I couldn't, I learned to accept it and embrace it. C'est la vie! I fully understood the verse in Al-Baqarah which translate into something like .. . No soul shall have a burden placed on it, greater than it can bear. Allahu Akbar! Those things I wanted to achieve but I didn't or couldn't, I can now accept as my fate or destiny. So, I learn to accept that these were never mine to achieve, enjoy or experience. I have since learned to forget about the what-ifs and if-only's. They only clutter the mind and make me restless, or worse, vengeful. Acceptance brings peace of mind and that makes me happy.

The journey is still unfolding. Life could probably still throw a curve ball or two along the way. There could even be a few more surprises in store. Achievements ... still not too late to work towards them. Repentance? Allah is always forgiving. Challenges ... life is full of them, and this time around, InsyaAllah, we are better equipped to weather them. Changes? must make them while there is still time.

There have been regrets along the way. Like, I regret not being there for my Mom during her last few months, battling cancer. Sure I was there physically, and paid for her medical bills, etc. but I could have done more. And sure, I loved her deeply and felt for her. But I could have been more selfless, I could have displayed more emotion towards her, and I could have shared her fears, desperation and pain, more than I did. I know she knew I loved her plenty. And I know she knew I cared deeply for her. But I deeply regret not being able to tell her I love her, in her last few moments, because I was busy doing some acceptance testing for some new computer programme at the office. That was somehting I could never forgive myself for...

There are many more things I could have done better ... in fact maybe too many to enumerate. But instead of dwelling on them negatively, I should try to glean the lessons learnt and strive to improve.

This afternoon, my staff pulled a lovely surprise for my birthday. The cake, of course, wasn't a BIG surprise because it is customary for everyone's birthday. But the timing was what made it a surprise. They timed it exactly for when I least expected it. Hehehe ... thanks guys.

My husband's gift to me today is a bigger washing machine. Sigh ... men! :-) The thought is sweet though. It would help me do the laundry in record time. 10 kg capacity ... indeed! But then again, if I think about it, it was a most appropriate gift. I mean, it was really something I needed, but never got down to buying it myself. Besides, I have plenty of perfume, crystal jewellery (my favourite) and what-have-you's. Flowers would have been nice though, but he reserves those for anniversaries. The card was really sweet and touching. It spoke of a deep, undying love and I was soooo... touched. Really, at 50 you would think that we are past that, wouldn't you? That was when I realised that no matter what I look like, he will always see me as the girl he married, some 15 years ago.

Anyway, Life goes on...

The Golden Reunion

The Golden Birthday Reunion came and went, and I hope everyone had a great time. There were limitations in terms of the programme, mainly because it was just a 3 hour affair. With the limited time at hand, I think it was more important to mingle and catch up with old friends. Which was exactly what most of us did!

It was really great seeing all these 50 year old women who looked vaguely like the 17 year olds that I used to know! But I must say, some of you looked really fabulous. You must have stopped aging at 30 or so! Just how do you it? (Ini kena buka satu lagi Blog called "Perempuan Melayu Teranggun"!)

I have received all 450 or so photos from our friendly and comel photographer, Haizan. (By the way, Haizan kirim salam kat semua makcik makcik!!!) . Jenoh lah pulak nak upload photos to a website! I will try to sort out with Jon, on how best to do this. Most probably, we will set aside the individual photos and just publish the group photos.

Meanwhile, lets take a look at soem of the photos here:

An appreciative applause from the girls for the Committee.

Food, glorious food. Yum!

As a reminder, I hope to receive the write ups oneach of you so that we can start the Book project, where we have your recent photos and an update on you. For those who didn't attend the reunion, you can send me a soft copy of your photo and your write up. It may take a while, but with more help, the project can be completed!

Any volunteers?

Those Schoolgirls Days ...

Its Friday again, and another week is ending. I have hardly recovered from my niece's wedding last weekend and now another weekend is looming ahead. Sure, I love weekends. Its the only time I get to watch some TV, cook a few meals for the family instead of the usual take-outs or eat-outs, get some rest, catch a movie, clean up the house, do the laundry, catch up on my jewellery making hobby, post a blog, etc., etc. Looks as if the weekend is even m ore hectic than the weekday!

In about a week, we will be attending our 50th Birthday gathering. I won't actually (ahem!)turn 50 until late July, so I am hanging on to the last few months of my 49er year! I haven't even gone out to get the RM50 or more compulsory gift yet! Oh no, looks like another really busy weekend ahead. So, those who are attending, don't forget your gift. I guess it becomes some sort of a 50th Birthday gift to whoever gets your gift, so make sure its something you would appreciate receiving if it was for your 50th Birthday gift. The problem is, there are so many things I like, and can't decide exactly what to get for the lucky girl!

I wish more of us could make it to the reunion. It will be good to catch up again, especially the ones who have been pretty quiet for a long, long time. I realise that not everyone thinks this kind of reunion is of interest to them. And that some are too inhibited to attend. Or too Kiasu. Or too busy (understandable, of course). Or even too shy! The fact remains that we are sisters who shared some period of our life together and have a common bond. Sure some of us may be so successful that they don't need this kind of thing but to some, the sisterly support is something that can actually help them through some bad times or difficulty, or through a phase they are going through. It is an accepted fact that after all these years, and especially at this period of our lives, maybe our perspective, our interests, our attitude, our whole outlook has changed. Some have moved up, some have become high achievers, some have just remained status quo. And sadly, some have passed on. The message we want to share is that we are not alone, and that there is a friend who understands, or has gone through something similar, or who is just willing to listen. We need these kind of girlfriends.

Some of the best friends I made were the ones made during the school years, the university years, and at work. But I shall always hold closest to my heart those who shared the best years of my "innocence" in the 70s. The midnight birthday parties just like in Enid Blyton's St Clares series, the flings where we just gyrated, jumped, twisted and moved nonsensically to the music (did we call it dance?), the hard boiled eggs we smuggled out of the dining hall, going to prep in Kain batik, etc. Those were fun years with a capital F-U-N!!! And those were the girls who have grown older with me and understand where I am coming from. I always feel that with all of you, I can always be my innocent, semonel and sementel self, and giggle away as if I was still sixteen or seventeen. Goodness, I even feel like I still look that way (NOT!).

A friend suggested that for my 50th Birthday,I should write down 50 things that I like about myself or am good at or that I've done well in my life. In fact I started writing it already and horror of horrors, it wasn't as easy as I though it would be! Especially in the beginning. After a few weeks, I have managed only 46. Hmmm.. does that mean that I have actually lived only 46 years fully? What happened to the remaining 4 years?

So, help me ladies, because I would like to compile something like this. Just give it a thought and send me (email, sms, phone call, or whatever means) your thoughts on the things you (now, after 50 years) like about yourself, or are good at, or have done well, or wish you had done after all these years. It should be fun!

Okay, as usual, I ramble. You ladies need to put on your thinking caps and come back to me on this. For those coming to the Reunion, I'll see you there soon. And perhaps it is still not too late to decide to come, for those who haven't given their names to the recruitment committee. Or even to Jon or Ani CD or me.

Hasta la Vista, ladies.

1428 or 2007 ... Its the New Year Already!

Contrary to the old adage, Time really flies, whether or not you are having fun! It is already the 10th of Muharam today, and the 29th day of the Gregorian new year. And throughout all this time, I have been sooooo ... busy! Well, although I did manage to squeeze in time to attend Zah's (Che Ngah) son's wedding reception and do some collection for the flood victims in Johor.

I realise that I am really tired. Ani (CD), tell me how you find so much energy to do what you do? I mean, has anyone taken a really close look at Ani? Every time we meet, she has so much exuberance and joie de vivre that it appears as if she is still 17!

It really is time to take stock of my fitness level, and do some serious exercising. It is so embarrasing, my lack of exercise I mean, especially since my husband is trainer to the ( ahem!)rich and famous. So, to take up from where I left off during Ramadan last year, I am now seriously pushing for the Belly Dance classes. I spoke to the instructor yesterday, and she asked me for specifics i.e. times, day, etc. The number of students don't matter to her, since she charges a flat rate for private classes (RM250 per class). All it means is that we each pay less if there are more of us. So here it is again, my pitch to all of you. Apart from those who expressed interest previously, anyone interested in some fun-filled, health benefitting activity? All women in the class, and you can wear whatever you feel comfortable in, so there are no issues on that score.

Aah, but I digress. Going back to the title for this posting, what I wanted to say was, it is the time of year when people make resolutions, usually to break them, and I missed the occassion! But you don't need an occassion to resolve for a better and more meaningful life, so here goes Resolution number 1 - take better care of my health, starting with some exercise regime a.k.a the belly dance class. There is a lot more I need to do, especially now that I (or we?) am pushing 50 (what? already?), and that includes the spiritual aspects of life.

So, ladies, if you are interested, (the exercise class, I mean) do call me. Or sms or email. Whatever suits you. I need to get your feedback on schedules, suitable days, location, etc.

By the way, Jon, that was a lovely piece in your last posting. I know exactly what you mean when you talk about the special list. We meet so many people on this journey of Life, but there are some who have touched our lives, left lasting impressions, and even shaped the course of our lives. Apart from the obvious ones like parents, teachers, good friends (like the sisters of 74!) , spouse, there are unsung heroes who have left an indelible mark. And for some reasons, there are even some who cannot be mentioned.

I know this someone who told me exactly this, " Failure is not in falling down, but in staying down." He told me that phrase when I dropped out of medical school, and although my then spouse (Allahyarham Sheik Izuddin) was there for me, I needed to hear that from an unbiased party, one who was apparently not clouded by emotions or sentiments and could see me for the person I really was (or am). Those few words kept me going and I am glad to say that person is one of those on that special list, who have touched my life and helped me shape my future. Thank you BigBro!

Alamak, sentimental lah pulak! Anyway, it may not be too late to wish all of you Happy New Hijrah Year!

The Special List

I read this poem in a free newspaper that was left on my front gate. It left a meaningful feeling in me that I want to share this here. There is no need for names ..... you know who you are after you have read this

The Special List ...... by .... Unknown Author

I have a lot of folks I know ... All written in a book,
And every now and then .... I go and take a look.

That is when I realise ....
These names ... they are a part
Not of the book they are written in ...
But taken from the heart.

For each name stand someone ....
Who has crossed my path some time
And in that meeting they have become .....
The reason and the rhyme.

Although it sounds fantastic .... for me to make this claim
I really am composed .... of each remembered name.

Although you're not aware ... Of any special link
Just knowing you has shaped my life ....
More than you could think.

So please don't think my greeting ....
As just a mere routine
Your name was not .... forgotten in between.

For when I send a greeting .... That is addressed to you
It is because you are on the list ....
Of folks I'm indebted to.

So whether I have known you ...... for many days or few,
In some ways you have a part .... in shaping things I do.

I am but a total ..... Of many folks I've met,
You are a friend I would prefer ...
Never to forget.


May Allah bless you always

It has been a long while .....

.... but take a look at what I have been doing.

I have not been posting here much lately, but this is something that I feel so good about, I want to share it.

If you had read my earlier postings, you'd know about my passion for tatting. Well,.. that is what I have been doing a lot of this past few months. And I am happy to share that it has attracted comments from all over. Just take a look at
this . Without being too much of a peacock (he.. he...), all that you see are my own creations and not taken off any pattern somewhere.

I am not going to say much more about this. Just click the link above and see for yourself.

Bali Hai

I went for another Teambuilding trip organised by the Company early September. This year, the location was Bali. If you remember from a previous post, the trip last year was to Kota Kinabalu. My, has it been a year already?

The Company seems to have a thing for Whitewater Rafting. Last year it was the Kiulu River in Sabah, and this year its the Ayung River in Bali. Afraid I don't have pictures of the rafting this time because I opted to stay on dry land, due to my knees. The sheer climb to and from the starting and finishing point to the basecamp was totally killing, so I was told. Apparently the number of steps was much higher and steeper than Batu Caves! Besides, I didn't fancy risking injuring my ligaments again, especially when they are still recovering.

Fortunately, the one or so hour spent waiting for the rest of the team to arrive at the finishing point was rather pleasant. The air was cool and the breeze was deliciously chilly. I was told by a Balinese that we had come during their musim dingin. It wasn't too cold, of course. Just pleasantly cool.

Of course you couldn't go to Bali without going to a Spa! In fact when I arrived together with the first group, some of the ladies and I went spa hunting almost immediately. The merry group of women found a quaint Spa and due to time constraints, could only opt for the 1 hour Balinese massage. Being used mainly to the Malay and Thai traditional massages, we found the Bali massage pretty "gentle" It was good though. Just not as "brutal" as those we were used to! The oils used at the Spa was made in-house and comprised 3 flowers ... jasmine, ylang-ylang and something else. Not as fragrant as my usual aromatherapy oil made by Dr Jariah (formerly of UKM). I wanted to do the full works ... lulur, massage, flower bath, steam and all, so I made a mental note to go Spa hunting again in the next few days.

I didn't do much shopping though, because it was more teambuilding than shopping, and time was limited. Its a shame really, since I was actually looking forward to some Balinese paintings and wood carvings. And by the time our daily programmes ended, the shops were already closed. So, after dinner, I hovered around the hotel and since I have pretty much distanced myself from the nightlife scene, I didn't join the colleagues on their clubhopping rounds.

Security was still rather tight, since after the bombing. Luckily nothing happened. The tourism industry was badly affected, though. Wanted to share some photos here but I seem to be having some problems uploading the photos. Next time perhaps.

Took Another Step Towards My Dream

I gave my first lessons on tatting last Saturday to a class of 4 pupils.

Before going into details, let me explain first. I am part of an online group of Malaysian stitchers, i.e. those interested in all kind of needlecraft. There are about 90+ members in the group who dabble in cross-stitch, crochet, patchwork, quilting, hardanger, applique and macam2 lagi la. And the pupils of my class are from this group who had expressed their interest to learn tatting.

Okay, back about the class. Out of the four, only one has attempted tatting before but has forgotten about it. So it was practically starting form basics and the two hour spent was just trying to make the doublestitch, the basic stitch in tatting.

I will be documenting the progress of the class which I will be using as part of my plan to write the book that I wrote about earlier. And the ladies in my class will be working through as part of the plan. They don't know about what I planned to do yet - wonder what they'd think if they ever find out about it!

That's all for now, more updates later.

I have a dream too ..

Actually this is a comment on Kasma's post below. But I have a feeling that it will be a long comment, so I decided to put it in as a separate post

After reading about Kasma's dream (wonder if dream is the right word to use) of making a mark as a writer, I want to share mine as well. I have been contemplating about coming out with a book as well. Except that it has nothing to do with pieces pf poetry, stories, anecdotes, etc.

If you have been reading my blogs you would have noticed that I enjoy doing tatting. I have even posted pictures of some of the pieces that I have made. Problem is, locally, susah sangat nak dapatkan buku on tatting designs. Di kedai-kedai buku memang jarang-jarang jumpa, and di needlecraft shops, kalau ada pun harganya punya la mahal. Ada satu written in Japanese, harganya lebih dari RM100. Thank goodness for the internet. I managed to get lots of pattern from there. Rupa-rupanya ramai betul orang yang minat tatting all over the world, and yet people still think of it as a 'dead art'. Some of the beautiful pieces shown on the various websites are made by men - imagine that.

Okay, back to the point. Since there are not many tatting books locally, I have been toying with the idea of coming out with one. Something simple to begin with, starting with basic instructions and some easy-to-do patterns for practice.

I have not really finished trying to learn all the different techniques in tatting - a DIY kind of learning from information obtained from the various tatting websites.

Also, since it's so difficult to get tatting books, I have started to design my own patterns. For those who attended the OGA Dinner - remember the small tatted heart that I gave out to every one that night? Well, that was one of my own design - clap .. clap. In fact I have quite a number completed already. I have photographed each one of them and am now writing up the instructions on how to make them. Right now, some are still in the PC and some are printed and nicely filed.

Another interesting development - I have received request to teach tatting. I joined a local online group of people interested in all kinds of needlecraft. The others in the group have seen my tatted pieces and a few has shown interest to learn this art. If everything goes okay, I'll be starting a class in July. Wow - that will be one big event in my life.....

So .... I have a dream too. Right now it is slowly taking shape, until that time when I will make that big decision to bring it all out to the open.

Will I do it ... or will it remain just a dream?

Its June Already .....

How time flies! I can't believe that the last time I posted anything on this blog was almost 6 months ago! If not for Jon, there wouldn't have been much of anything here. Thanks, Jon. But now that you have your own blog, I hope you can still post here.

Before I forget, Happy Birthday to Sherry, Noshi and all the June babies. 13th June is kind of difficult to miss because its also my brother's birthday. (Yes, Baby Danial's dad). Last I met Noshi was at one function for women in IT. Not that I am an IT trained woman. Just happen to work in that space! It been too long, Nosh. Must meet for lunch soon.

Some of us attended the OGA Dinner last month. It was really wonderful catching up again. Especially with the ever mirthful Ani Che Dan! Theme for the dinner was the 70s. Not too easy dressing up according to the theme at this age and size! So, we came in whatever was appropriate or possible. The best I could manage was a Kurta style long blouse and hoop earrings. (And with my knee injury, I couldn't even attempt one of those platform shoes!) Anything else would look too ridiculous on me! Noriah, as usual was her ultra slim, elegant and ever youthful self. Hard to imagine she is a mum-in-law already. She stopped aging at thirty, I think! What's the secret, Noriah? ;-)

Norlian was sooo ... excited about Bob Tutupoly, that I thought if he ever came over to our table to sing for her, she'd probably swoon! Hehehe ... sorry Lian, but it was so amusing to see you like that. Reminds me of the time we were 17! The show by the old girls were pretty good too. They sure had guts, doing the Saturday Night Fever dance, complete with John Travolta white suit, topped with a mop of Afro! And Puan Sri Fauzah and gang were cute too! Really polished, I should say.

When I looked around, I noticed that not too many came to the dinner dressed ala 70s, except some brave ones. I was rather glad I didn't go along with my daughter's suggestion of donning an Afro wig or a Pin or Blue Bob-style wig. Actually I had a broad, bright colored headband tucked in my handbag, just in case, but luckily the situation didn't call for it.

On another note, I'll be 49 next month. Back when I was 21, I had planned to write a book someday. I used to scribble bits and pieces of poetry, stories, anecdotes, etc then, and my late husband had actually encouraged me to write. That hasn't materialised and I wonder whether that too will be buried together with my cartoons and all the dreams that never happened. Well, blogging has helped a bit with the writing. Mrs Lee, our English teacher will be rather pleased I am sure; if she knew. Mr Karu probably horrified that I never took up Chemistry or Science again after Form 5. I can't remember our Art teacher, though. Oh, that's right, we never had one! Being in Science Stream, Art was not an option for us, but Faiz and I took it anyway and we had to learn it ourselves! What a bunch of crazies we were, Faiz and I. Resident artists for Class of 74, konon. Just for that, our principal, Puan Rahmah, made me do the Hall of Fame in the College Hall!

Ah, but again, I am rambling. See you all again in a nother post. Yang lain tu, cuba cuba lah tulis.

Till then, salams to all.

N/B by the way, I still have some CDs of the 3o year PD reunion. If anyone is interested, contact me. RM10 each. Collectors' item. Next one will be the Reunion for next year, when majority of us will hit 50!