Today, I turn 50. When you think about it, 50 is a big number. Its half a century, for goodness sake! My, that makes me a half centurion!
I had been clinging on to being a forty-niner, the past one year. I desperately wanted to savour every last minute of being "forty something". Fifty sounded so O-L-D. Especially when I still feel young-ish inside. If I didn't look in the mirror, I still felt the same way I did when we were in college those good old years. I am sure we all feel that way too, espescially when we are together. Sure, the years have taken a toll on our waistlines and our bones are getting a wee bit rickety. Our bodies are battle worn in the fight against gravity, while the reflection in the mirror shows only the slightest hint of the girl we once used to be. We sigh at the expression lines that had built up over the years. Character lines, expression lines, wrinkles ... no matter what you call them, they are a clear statement that says you can't stay young foerever. Unless, of course, you wanted to subject yourself to surgeries, etc.
On the upside, it is so good to be able to reflect on 50 good years of life and living. The accumulated wealth of experience has made me what I am today. Sure, there are so many things I wish I could have done, and yet even more things I wished I could have done differently or done better. While there is nothing I can do about some bygones, there is still an opportunity to correct some mistakes, and make a change for the better.
And again, there were times when things happened to me, and I wondered, "why me?". The good thing about being older is that I can now rationalise, "why not me?" What made me think I was special and that these undesirable events and experiences shouldn't have happened to me? At this juncture, I have been able to realise that no one is too special to avoid the experiences Life has to offer. These experiences made me a better person. It made me a more understanding individual. It made me thankful for Allah's graces. It made me humble, and it made me accept that I am an ordinary human. And more ... it made me resilient.
Yes, I am a stronger person because of all the experiences and challenges that Life had offered. Every challenge that was placed before me, I learned to either resolve it, or if I couldn't, I learned to accept it and embrace it. C'est la vie! I fully understood the verse in Al-Baqarah which translate into something like .. . No soul shall have a burden placed on it, greater than it can bear. Allahu Akbar! Those things I wanted to achieve but I didn't or couldn't, I can now accept as my fate or destiny. So, I learn to accept that these were never mine to achieve, enjoy or experience. I have since learned to forget about the what-ifs and if-only's. They only clutter the mind and make me restless, or worse, vengeful. Acceptance brings peace of mind and that makes me happy.
The journey is still unfolding. Life could probably still throw a curve ball or two along the way. There could even be a few more surprises in store. Achievements ... still not too late to work towards them. Repentance? Allah is always forgiving. Challenges ... life is full of them, and this time around, InsyaAllah, we are better equipped to weather them. Changes? must make them while there is still time.
There have been regrets along the way. Like, I regret not being there for my Mom during her last few months, battling cancer. Sure I was there physically, and paid for her medical bills, etc. but I could have done more. And sure, I loved her deeply and felt for her. But I could have been more selfless, I could have displayed more emotion towards her, and I could have shared her fears, desperation and pain, more than I did. I know she knew I loved her plenty. And I know she knew I cared deeply for her. But I deeply regret not being able to tell her I love her, in her last few moments, because I was busy doing some acceptance testing for some new computer programme at the office. That was somehting I could never forgive myself for...
There are many more things I could have done better ... in fact maybe too many to enumerate. But instead of dwelling on them negatively, I should try to glean the lessons learnt and strive to improve.
This afternoon, my staff pulled a lovely surprise for my birthday. The cake, of course, wasn't a BIG surprise because it is customary for everyone's birthday. But the timing was what made it a surprise. They timed it exactly for when I least expected it. Hehehe ... thanks guys.
My husband's gift to me today is a bigger washing machine. Sigh ... men! :-) The thought is sweet though. It would help me do the laundry in record time. 10 kg capacity ... indeed! But then again, if I think about it, it was a most appropriate gift. I mean, it was really something I needed, but never got down to buying it myself. Besides, I have plenty of perfume, crystal jewellery (my favourite) and what-have-you's. Flowers would have been nice though, but he reserves those for anniversaries. The card was really sweet and touching. It spoke of a deep, undying love and I was soooo... touched. Really, at 50 you would think that we are past that, wouldn't you? That was when I realised that no matter what I look like, he will always see me as the girl he married, some 15 years ago.
Anyway, Life goes on...
