A Second Spring

A few days ago, my friend Madiah called me. We hadn't spoken for quite some time, and yesterday there was something in her voice that told me the call was about something really important. She stalled a little when I asked her what was up, and said that it would have been easier to tell me in person. Then it dawned on me that Madi was probably going to tell me she was getting married! Call it woman’s intuition …

You see, Madi lost her husband about ten months ago. At 56, he had succumbed to a heart attack. Left alone, jobless and with 4 school-going kids, Madi was devastated. In those times of need, she turned to me for emotional support, knowing that she could learn from my experience in having lost Izuddin, my first husband.

The situation was a bit different, of course, because I was a career woman and money wasn’t that big an issue for me then. But for Madi, money was a big problem because her husband hadn’t left very much. Most of their life savings was spent on his medical expenses in the last few years of his life. He had been through a bypass, a gall bladder operation and had been hospitalized several times. And never having worked before, Madi knew that at 44, finding employment would be difficult.She resorted to selling Nasi Lemak, and she recounted how she had to keep wiping away the tears that streamed down her cheeks as she worked to prepare the food at 3 in the morning. Maklumlah, Madi was used to the good life, with domestic helper and all! Its not that she is spoilt, it is just the sheer emotion of it, especially in the beginning.

However, even that was not enough. I remember feeling very sad when she had to explain to her kids, especially the younger ones, that they couldn’t buy much new stuff when school reopened for the new term. And I shed tears when the kids learnt to accept that there will be no new clothes for the Raya celebrations. I would have loved to chip in my contribution, but she would have none of it. The kids need to learn to readjust, she insisted gently.

But through it all, she was brave and somehow, she credits some of that that to me. You see, I had learnt that in times like this, many people will tell you to be strong, without any inkling how difficult it would be. So based on own my experience, I told Madi that being strong may sometimes be difficult, so she must always be brave. And now, after 10 months, Madi will have someone to take care of her and the children again. I am really happy for Madi. “It's not too soon, is it ?” she asked. “After all, it’s only been 10 months. What will people think?”

I assured Madi that at the end of the day, it’s not important what other people think. What’s more important is, she should ask herself whether she is ready and whether the kids are ready to accept someone else as a stepfather. And of course, whether she is marrying him for the right reasons, which is again subjective.

I advised Madi that she and the man must discuss and manage one another’s expectations. Reassured, Madi enthused that I must meet the guy. He was an ex-boyfriend, her first love. They didn’t marry then because his family had arranged for him to marry the daughter of a family friend, and he loved his mom too much too disagree then. But it was a decision he regretted because they were never happy. Or so he claims.“You mean, he is still married to her?” I asked. “How will his wife react? Oh, Madi, are you sure it will not be a problem?”

I shudder at the thought of sharing a husband with another woman. I can still recall those times in the past when I shied away from some would-be suitors because I could not see myself as a second wife. Well, maybe there was just this one instance when I actually did think that I loved the man enough to be able to contend with it, but even then ... !“It will be okay.," she assured me. "I love him, and they both lead very seperate lives. It is a loveless marriage.”

OK, I thought. Good luck, Madi and may you find the happiness you deserve